(Not) The Way I Want It

I attended a women’s gathering at church this past week. They are doing a series on the fruit of the Spirit and this week was a discussion of peace. I haven’t been to any of the others, but when I heard the topic, I figured this was one that would be good for me right now.

We talked a bit about our anxieties and one woman shared how she used to worry all the time about how much money they had and how she’d pay the bills and whether God was really going to provide what they needed. Then some major changes occurred in her family and she was finding she had more than enough money for everything they needed–but she was still worried all the time. The focus of her fears was no longer money, but the fears were still there. I really identified with what she said next, “The problem isn’t the problem, it’s the lack of trust.”

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” (Isaiah 30:15, NIV)

Rest? Quiet? Strength? Oh, that sounds so nice! But trust? I don’t like that one nearly so much. That one is hard. That means I have to let someone else choose for me. I’m very picky. DH calls me “high maintenance,” like Sally from When Harry Met Sally. I just want it the way I want it. I don’t like to consider that it might actually be better another way.

God,

I know I can’t do what You do. What I don’t know is why I keep trying. I can’t run the world. I can’t keep peace in my family–I can’t even keep peace in my own heart. But You offer me peace, if I just ask. I don’t like to ask. I’d rather be the stubborn toddler and insist, “Me do it!”

You ask for repentance. You want me to turn away from the actions and attitudes that steal my peace and keep me from finding rest. Lord, I’m sorry that I act as though I’m the one in charge–like I’m the queen rather than the King’s servant. Even though I know Your ways are better, even though I’ve seen again and again how You take what looks to be a terrible situation and turn it completely on end to be a great blessing, my default belief is still that You wouldn’t want to do that for me.

Please, God, help me to trust what I can’t see and I don’t understand. Let me find peace, not because of my own perfect planning (because it’s not), but because I have You. Remind me that I know You, and You are trustworthy.

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