I had a panic attack again the other night. My heart was racing and I couldn’t seem to stop shaking. As DH and I talked about it, he listened to my litany of all the areas of my life where I’m not in control and it scares me. He chuckled. Not cruelly, just as a preface to telling me it was no wonder I was panicking, what with all the space in my brain being so clogged up with worry over things I can’t do anything to change.
As I’ve thought about that the last couple of days, I came to a rather unsettling conclusion: I don’t want to have to trust God all the time.
That’s not very comfortable to admit. Yet it’s true.
Too many times, rather than making the effort to build an actual relationship with God, I tend to think of Him like tech support. He’s out there, doing His thing, but I wait to call until something has gone wrong. When CTRL+ALT+DEL hasn’t solved the problem, well, I guess it’s time to pray. Maybe I can get God reboot the system.
May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. (II Peter 1:2, ESV)
I find it very easy to worry about what God is going to do or to allow to happen. God doesn’t seem to think the way I do (which is probably a great benefit to the rest of the world). But for me, it means that a good portion of the time, things are not going to go the way I wish. And I get to choose. I can either fuss and fume and fret that the road in front of me is not the way I would have chosen to go, or I can trust that God has a bigger, better plan for my life than I do.
Maybe, though, if I really allowed myself to spend time quality, quantity time with God, to get to know Him in that experiential way, maybe I wouldn’t waste so much time and energy worrying about what He’s about.
Sometimes, it seems so much easier to do things the way I’ve always done it. Even when that’s the hard way. I don’t want to have to upgrade my system–even when that’s what tech support recommends. I don’t want to trust that … well, I guess I just don’t want to trust. What if You make me do something hard? What if You do something that hurts? What if I can’t live the life You want me to–what if I fail?
Or maybe that’s the whole point of the grace part. Because I will fail. Over and over and over again.
But You never will.
Thank You. Thanks for being patient with me as I trudge through the brambles alongside the narrow path. Thanks for blessing me, even when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. Thanks for loving me, no matter how unlovably I’ve been behaving.
Thank You for bringing me peace.